I don't know if all small town medics have these thoughts. I'm sure they do. I don't really think that I'm anything special or extraordinary. But for those who don't live this kind of a life, I will share some of the things that enter my head on a regular basis.
My husband is on the volunteer fire dept here in town. I adore all of our ff. I don't know what we would do without their help. They started going on all of our medical calls a few years ago. There's only a couple of them that are medically trained. That doesn't matter to me though. These guys will do anything we ask them to. They have done chest compressions on people they know and love. They go and retrieve equipment. They crawl into places that my big a$$ won't fit. They have worked tirelessly in mangled messes of what was one time a car, squished next to bodies, trying to free them from wreckage. They block traffic on busy roadways. They are the eyes in the back of my head. When I'm focusing on a patient, they have my back, keeping me safe and anticipating my needs. They are there to help lift when my partner can't lift. Our relationship is so that we can make eye contact and they know what I need or what I'm saying. They recently lost one of their brothers. I was on that call. That call was our worst nightmare that came true. Those are the days that I fear the most. All responders dread that call. The only silver lining on calls like that is knowing that I did everything I could and more. I know that if survival was meant to be that day, it would have happened, because I did everything I could. That soul received the best possible care. Calls like that make you so thankful for the people you see everyday on calls, that have your back. It makes you love your brothers and sisters that much more.
Now for the down side...lol. Our volunteer fire dept is not bound by hippa like we are. I am not speaking towards any of them other than my husband. My husband cannot keep a secret. He has a chronic case of diarrhea of the mouth. His words leave his face before his brain has time to catch up. I am terrified that he is going to send me to prison. I never discuss details of calls with him. Because I know, he just cannot keep a secret. I can't control what he sees on calls with the fire dept though. But it terrifies me. Especially in our small town. What do small towns love besides fried chicken, Jesus and football? Gossip. Especially the juicy kind involving emergency lights and sirens. I have told and told him, please please don't gossip about calls. Even if I'm not there on the call. People are going to assume that I have given him the details. It could end badly for us. The chronic diarrhea of the mouth always seems to prevail though.
Another down side is when I'm out and about in town I always run into someone who's wife, husband, son, daughter, sister, brother, mother or father I have had as a patient. I don't know most of these people very well. But it feels like I have to speak to them to be friendly, but it's awkward. The ones who's family member died feel the most awkward for me. Since I don't know them that well, I feel like I am a reminder of one of the worst days of their life. I awkwardly say hello to be polite, but seem to always catch them looking at me. It makes me feel bad. That I remind them of that day. The ones that I know a little better are not quite as awkward, but still make me feel weird. They thank me over and over again. I don't want those people to feel like they have to thank me. I'm not special. This is what I have studied to be and do. If this was the area in which they had chosen to specialize, they would have done the exact same things that I did to take care of their loved one. I know it is awkward for them too. And I'm not complaining, just trying to give a glimpse into what it's like. I go out to walk my miles around the walking path and it's very rarely that I can go and get home without running into a former patient or their family. I think the worst ones for me are the ones who are angry. They feel like I or our crew should have done something different. These people don't understand that we do the things that we do under a Drs orders. Drs orders change with scientific research throughout the years. What we did back when they were on the department is very different now. I wish I could produce a positive outcome on every call. Death or disability is beyond my power though. Bad things happen. I wish they didn't. But they do. I just wish that everyone understood that bad outcomes affect us too. Next to them, nobody is more sorry than me when their loved one dies. Even though I know deep down that it's beyond my control, I feel responsible. I spend days, weeks, years sometimes going over that call in my mind. Trying to find something that could have made a better outcome. Anyway, I don't know if the others on my department think about everything like this or if its just my hamster wheel of a brain.
It's the positives that keep me getting out of bed every morning though. The little girl who lived and kept her leg because of me. The little boy with the worst brain injury I have ever seen in a patient who is just fine, with no ill effects. The heart attack that would have died if I wouldn't have treated it. The cardiac arrest patient who died, but his family knows that I did everything in my power to save him. The mentally ill patient, who's daughter knew that I would be kind to him, and make him feel calm and reassured on his way to seek treatment. My friends and neighbors, who know that they can come to me with their fears and concerns. Those are the reasons that I keep doing this.
Every call makes me a little better. A little smarter.
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